The Pain of Losing A Mother

I lost my mother when I was 17. It happened so suddenly that none of us had time to process it. She was diagnosed with cancer but the doctors detected it too late. They said we had a very little time left to prepare ourselves for a life without her. But how do you ever get prepared for that?

Even now at 25, 7 years later it still feels unreal. Sometimes, I feel that it is all a bad dream and she is with us still. 

The first few months after her passing were a blur. My father, sister and me could not talk to each other. The house felt heavier, quieter and emptier. As months passed, the silence turned to chaos; arguments and frustration. None of us knew how to operate the family.

A year went by but we could not still speak about our pain. We were living together but grieving alone in our own way. Slowly, we began to adjust. We started talking again, sharing little memories of her that made us smile. But the pain never really left.

Festivals remain especially hard. Seeing others together with their complete families always brought the aching feeling in the chest. I often feel guilty for having fun, for not thinking about her every single moment. It's almost like it feels wrong to move on.

As years have passed, we have learned to talk about her without breaking down. But there is still a part that wonders 'what if she was still here?'  I imagine my father travelling with her. Maybe that is why he does not like to travel now.

She left during the peak of my teenage years when you think you don't need your family. I always thought I had more time. Now, I regret not spending more time with her. I regret not telling her more often how much she meant to me. But even with all the regret and pain, I always carry her with me. 

Time has not healed everything but it has helped me learn to live with the loss and to be grateful for the beautiful years I got to be with her.